How to Spot a Romance Scam

Online relationships have become one of the most common ways people meet — and that same openness is exactly what scammers count on. A romance scam happens when someone builds a fake relationship with you online, usually over weeks or months, with the goal of eventually asking you for money. It can happen on a dating site, but just as often it starts on Facebook, Instagram, or even a simple text message from a "wrong number."

These scams work because they don't feel like scams while they're happening. The person seems kind, attentive, and genuinely interested in you. That's not an accident — it's the whole strategy.

This article explains how a romance scam usually unfolds, the warning signs to watch for, and exactly what to do if you think you're already in one.

How a Romance Scam Usually Starts

Most romance scams follow a similar pattern:

1. The first contact comes through a dating app, a social media friend request, or an unexpected message claiming to have the wrong number.
2. The relationship builds quickly. The person is flattering, available at all hours, and eager to move the conversation off the dating site and onto text messaging or email.
3. They avoid meeting in person or on video, often with an excuse — they work overseas, they're in the military, they're a doctor on an aid mission, or their camera is "broken."
4. A crisis appears. After trust is established, something urgent comes up: a medical bill, a stuck shipment, travel money to finally visit you, or a "guaranteed" investment they want to let you in on.
5. The money request starts small and often grows. It may come as a request to wire money, buy gift cards and read off the codes, or send cryptocurrency.

Warning Signs to Watch For

Not every online relationship is a romance scam, but these signs should make you pause:

• They won't video call, or always have a reason it doesn't work. A real person can usually manage a short video chat eventually.
• The relationship moves very fast. Declarations of love within days or weeks, before you've ever met, is a common tactic.
• Their photos look like a model or professional headshot. Scammers often use stolen photos of someone else entirely.
• They ask you to keep the relationship secret from family or friends who might raise concerns.
• Any request involves money, gift cards, or cryptocurrency — especially if it comes with urgency ("I need this today or I'll lose everything").
• They ask you to receive and forward packages or money on their behalf. This is sometimes a separate scam that can make you an unwitting participant in moving stolen funds.

A real partner will never ask you to buy gift cards and read them the numbers, wire money to someone you've never met in person, or keep secrets from your family.

Why These Scams Work So Well

Romance scammers are patient. They may spend weeks just building trust, asking about your day, remembering small details, and never asking for anything. That patience is deliberate — by the time money comes up, the relationship already feels real to you. There's no shame in having been drawn in. These scams are built by people who do this full-time, and they're designed specifically to get past normal caution.

What to Do if You Suspect a Romance Scam

If something feels off, take these steps:

1. Stop sending money immediately, even if the person pressures you or claims a crisis.
2. Don't send more information — no bank details, no copies of your ID, no passwords.
3. Search their photo. Save one of their pictures and search for it online. If it turns up under a different name, that confirms a stolen photo.
4. Talk to someone you trust — a family member or friend — before sending any more money, even if the person online asks you to keep it private.
5. If you already sent money or gift card codes, contact your bank or the gift card company right away; some transfers can be reversed if you act quickly, though many cannot.
6. If you clicked a link they sent or installed anything at their request, your computer could be carrying unwanted software. We can help you check your computer and clean up anything left behind — call (916) 521-0065.
7. Report it to the dating platform and to the FTC at reportfraud.ftc.gov, so others are warned.

You will not be in trouble for reporting this, and you won't be the first person this has happened to.

How to Protect Yourself Going Forward

Going forward, treat these situations with the same caution you'd use for any stranger asking for money: slow down, verify, and never let urgency rush a financial decision. It also helps to keep your computer itself protected, since romance scammers sometimes send links or attachments that carry something harmful. If you want quiet protection on your Windows or Mac computer — with a real Porchswing person to call — learn about PorchswingProtect. It helps block scam and dangerous websites and closes scary pop-ups, so a scammer's link is less likely to cause damage even if you click it by mistake. Or call us at (916) 521-0065 and we'll help you set it up.

Common questions

Can I get my money back after a romance scam?

It depends on how the money was sent. Bank wires and gift cards are very hard to recover once sent, though your bank or the gift card issuer may be able to help if you report it within hours. Cryptocurrency payments generally cannot be reversed.

Is it only older adults who fall for romance scams?

No. People of every age can be targeted, but scammers often focus on older adults who may be widowed, divorced, or simply enjoying new ways to meet people online.

What if the scammer has my photos or personal information?

Stop all contact, don't respond to threats, and talk to someone you trust. If you're worried about your accounts or your computer, we can help you in your home or remotely to make sure everything is secure.